tough love

I'm wondering if this disgusting pit in my stomach is normal .. if this emptiness that ive been feeling is suppose to be there .. i wonder if im actually suffering from a heartache ....

no biggie .... right?

Soo it ended .. guess i cant say i didn't see it coming. But it still kind of sucks, right now i feel like i should be crying, but im just kind of over it.. im more pissed off then anything really. I'm not officially single , i guess right now its just a break .. but sunday will make it or break it .. and im thinking its gunna be broken. What can yea do , its natural to get your heart broken right? I was prepared for it..
So i dragged myself to school .. kind of glad i did because i would of just drowned myself in self pity at home.English class was a ball today , we did haiku's and it was hilarious. Allison yours were hilarious, kind of loved it hahaha made my day a little. Just made up stupid little ones about my friends, but it made me in a better mood. Then my mood was crushed when i found out i actually failed my math exam HARD and i failed the course all together, but my math teacher boosted my mark to a 60 , cant complain. Then i went to my favorite teachers classsss <3 he is inncredably gorg and i find it hard to concentrate in his class hahah but i love him , so it evens out.
im talking to this really sweet boy, is it normal that i love it.. whatevvaa :/ gunna take time i guess huh .. but i should go do some homework , and hide from my feelings some more... ps i recommend listening to sugarlumps by flight of the conchords , sooo great!! hahah - smug

forgot about this point .

oh and im just gunna point out .. that i want a vampire boyfriend, reaaal bad .. ps i love twilight

i touched you, i was burned

i suppose its time for a blog post, but ive been so sick and depressed lately i cant seem to find anything to blog about. I don't think im so cut out for this relationship thing, i think sometimes i care more then i should, and thats what hurts me. Or maybe its just the boy im in the relationship with, who knows. All i know is , im not very good at it. I went to his house yesterday and we just laid in bed, and ended up falling asleep with each other, it was such a comforting feeling when i woke up, being wrapped around the arms of a boy i love very dearly. but we both knew we werent sleeping the whole time, but i felt better just laying there in his arms, as he gently kissed my forehead 3 or 4 times. It was nice, and it felt surreal.
but today just sucked, i woke up and realized i have the flu, and an awful cough. I hate when you cough so much your chest hurts, eulk being sick sucks. And tomorrow is the first day of second semester, i kind of wish i wasnt sick for it, im anxious to start my new classes.
I also have another problem to write about, and drown in my self pity. A boy i once cared about, has come back. And he knows i love my boyfriend, yet he thinks i will just go back to him. Kind of makes me mad to think he can just waltz in and think hes gunna get me back. nope aint gunna happen.... the reason i left that boy was because of my current boyfriend, and theres no way im turning around now. Ive been through too much to just let it all go and if he thinks other wise, hes got something else coming. but im find myself overly obsessed with the song thinking of you .. which is about being with someone, but thinking of your old lover.. "when im with him i am thinking, he kissed my lips i taste your mouth, he pulled me in i was disgusted with myself" eulk , makes me wonder why im so obsessed with the song . :|
Im too sick to write about my life any longer.. off to bed i go . love ya world - smug

hi my names disappointment

ew i blew it .. worst game ive ever played. If i would have gotten the god damn goal that i had the chance to get, we would have won. BLEW it . ps - my diamond ring my lover got me came in today .. peerrf timing 8-)

the big game

In approx. 1 hour, i will be playing the biggest game in my hockey career(pft) haha. My coach pulled me aside at practice the other day and asked me if i was alright, i replied with a common answer " yeah coach im fine?" and then he went on about disappointed he is in me. He said " Heather two games ago you were my best forward, now i don't know what has come over you.. but you need to pick up your socks, im really disappointed in you" or something along that lines. That hurt a little, cause i realized i let my personal life get all wrapped up in hockey .. when hockey should just be about hockey. Tonights game i will be ready, without anything in my mind except HOCKEY. I love it ,and i cant let that get away from me!! Wish me luck , i may need it tonight .

new look

this is about how creative this blogs gunna get .. haha what cha think?

surprised taylor swift addict

I find myself incrediably obsessed with this taylor swift song that use to bug the shit outta me, its not even the all the lyrics relate to my life ... just the chorus. Its amazing now that i dont know what to about my relationship, and i miss how it use to be so bad.

"but i miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
and it's 2am and i'm cursing your name
you're so in love that you act insane
and that's the way I loved you
breakin' down and coming undone
it's a roller coaster kinda rush
and I never knew I could feel that much
and that's the way I loved you"

I miss him fighting for me, and for him to tell me that i was all he needed. i miss him telling me that he loves me so much and that i was all he wanted. I know thats dramatic but its so true. I'm so in love with the boy that he makes me act CRAZY. It's a different feeling everyday, and i just dont even know what to do. Im in love with this song as well . -Smuggyy

your not the person that you use to be..

"If we leave tonight and drive fast enough

All of our troubles will be just like us

Long gone, baby" -Carrie Underwood

Wouldn't it be nice if life was that easy? just being able to leave your problems behind and get away.I'd be the first one to get in my little blue corolla and drive 120 down a dirt road and just run away from my problems, if they stay away for good.
So the math exam was worst then i thought it would be, so hard. I actually broke down half way through and shed a couple tears.But that is so over with, and i never want to see that teacher again ,eulk
I am officially done caring about relationships, if i wasn't in love with this boy it would been so done. It would be more then done, this relationship would be DESTROYED. Stupid love .. what am i even doing .. i don't know how to love someone, i don't even know how to love myself ! He treats me like shit sometimes and im in love with him , whats up with that.I feel like im more of a hassle to him ,then a girlfriend. As much as it would hurt me for him to end things, it would be for the better. I don't really consider him a boyfriend right now, not after how big of an idiot he is to me.He ruint my day , and my night. and thats not fair to me..
Made me realize how much my friends help, without even noticing.I was sitting home tonight being depressed and craving gatorrade and i asked my friend to come get me haha.. so off to the irving i went with a van load of my friends and although the night was almost over, they made me laugh and right about now, i needed it. Love you guys hahah -smug

my worst fear .

i ate the eggs,downed the glasses of milk, bit into the apple, and devoured the strawberries. This will def help me on my exam right? Pray to god this keeps me awake. haha Wish me luck ugh

we live, we die, and the wheels on the bus go round and round.

This is going to be such a random post..
Control. It's a dirty dirty word, today i realized my boyfriend controls all of my moves, without even trying. Before i make plans with people, i make sure he has something to do that night , just in case he would wanna hang out. Doesn't make sense to me .. i was such an independent person , and bam im "controlled". and today we had an argument about how i don't know anything about cars, and i ended up saying sorry for it!? does he really expect a girl like me to know anything about cars, ugh ... sometimes i don't even know what i see in the boy , i love him allot.. but he just doesn't consider my feelings sometimes.
Math. Is also a very very very dirty dirty dirty word. I HATE MATH... guns don't kill people, grade 11 math does. My math teacher is an actual idiot, and hardly taught my class anything this year, and now its hurting us. The week that we were suppose to review, he decided to lock himself in the room across the hall and tell us to have fun? like thats SO nice of him. Everyones telling me that im gunna do fine, but ive accepted that i might actually have to go to summer school. Me=loser
Post secret=greeat waste of time.. post secret sometimes takes over an hour of my life each day .. when im done looking at the weekly updated site , i go on youtube and look at some. Reading other peoples disgusting,emotional,happy and sad secrets makes me feel better about my life. I actually sent in a secret one time , and i found it on youtube months later.. it was a great feeling, you know that my sucky situation about heart break, would make someone else feel better about their life.And sending that postcard, with one of my secrets on it was a closing to the situation, and feeling of relief, that by sending this away, i was completely over what happen. Sounds kind of weird, but it was an awesome thing at the time haha.There was one post secret i found this week, and it said "i still cant grasp the concept that i wont live forever." That one made me think .. ive never actually thought that i would die, but of course i know i am because everyone has to. But i never really thought i would, because right now im not ready to leave. Theres so much i want to do, maybe ill write down my list right now haha .. its a pretty epic list actually , reminds me of jamie off of a walk to remember with her list of things to do before she dies.I'll just give you 20 of them . I think it'd be cool to have this list, and when i die for someone to read it and know that i accomplished every one of them that i could & know i made something of myself.So this is my list .. "these are all the things i wanna do before i kick the bucket"-bucket list<3>
20.Have mind blowing sex.. sober hahah(great way to start)
19. Sing a song i love in front of a crowd, and not be embarrassed.
18. Write a personalized letter to every person i ever loved, explaining how much they meant to me.
17. Find my soul mate & live up every moment with them
16. Sky Dive
15.Ride a mechanical bull .. drunk haha
14. Learn how to play guitar.
13. Live in Europe and learn about the culture,art & history.
12. See the northern lights and dance under the sky and forget about the world for just a few moments.
11. Write a book worth reading.
10. Get married, have children and NEVER let them feel unloved.
9. Get a tattoo that means something.
8.Watch a sunset with someone I love
7. Kiss a famous person.
6. Visit Africa and make a difference in one child's life
5. Experience God fully, like my priest talks about in mass, feel that he is in my presence
4. Become someone important.
3. Make a wish at the top of the Effiel Tower at 11:11
2. Make change happen, peace will happen!
1. Be loved and love in return!

There ya go .. and thats only 20 , i have much more :) haha maybe one day i'll die and people will be like oh i remember reading her blog 40 years ago, find this and check off everything i did! haha wouldnt that be awesome. It's doubtful , but you never know:) My beds calling my name - your smuggy friend:) xox

yep, im just another addict

Here i am at work, bored out of my mind haha and i am writing another blog, like two hours after the one i already wrote today. Since i talked about my love in my last blog, guess ill let you know about the second love of my life.Johnny Allen Hendrix aka Jimi Hendrix, im actually in love with the guy.People probably doubt that my obsession with him is real, but it is.Every one of his songs is amazing to me, not only are the lyrics captivating the music is full of emotion, its "soulful" Although i have no music abilities, he inspires me to want to learn how to play the guitar, which im failing horribly at by the way... considering i have no teacher and youtube is difficult when you are a complete noob like myself.The only thing that i dont love about Hendrix is that he supposdely died of a drug overdose, just like every other famous musicans. He could have made more of impact on the world, but instead he chose to pop some pills. I couldnt even imagine what he would be like in concert,and if he only lived until now, i could actually live one of my dreams. He would be 67 if he lived until today, and i bet any amount of money he'd still be rocking the right handed guitar with his left hand ahah
He was such a cool human being, his fashion is probably what i love the most about him.His style was full of scarfs, which i have a love for also, so that makes him even more cool. haha and he would just completely rock out bright jackets and tight leather pants. Haha he was just amazing! and his hair was incredible.. hahah words cant describe how many times i wished my hair was like that when i was like five.haha yes i use to rock out to hendrix as a child and yes i was jealous of his insanely buck wild afro. haha god i love him. but the tanning world is calling my name(work place) scuse me while I kiss the sky;) -smug
ps look at me having three followers , who am i? haha love it

Addicted already?

So I found myself waking up today asking myself what I would blog about, interesting huh? haha who knew expressing your life stories to all of my one followers would excite my life a little.But it's a nice feeling to me, haha writing down my life stories, without feeling the pressure to fit in...On here i can be myself, but no one really actually knows who i am. haha love it. Im at work as we speak right now, I probably have one of the easiest jobs ever invented; yet I hate it more and more each day. My boss is an actual bitch, and treats every employee like complete trash; she makes me feel like I’m incapable of anything. They randomly decided to screw me over last week by taking all of my shifts away, now I work one lonely shift a week. Little do they know I love revenge.. as does the rest of the girls that lost shifts. We have an evil plan to completely screw her over and quit on the same day! Karma’s a bitch!
Any of my friends that know me know that I am not the kind of girl to fall for anyone,i close my heart to anyone,im independent and i was planning on keeping it that way for the rest of my highschool life, but along came Tom*. Tom is amazing; everything about him excites me, and scares me all at the same time. It's sadly always been him, every since grade 6 I believe when we had a small fling I have had a strong feeling towards him. He moved in grade 8 and I was completely heartbroken, words can’t even describe how incredibly depressed I actually was. We lost touch, and I felt like I lost my best friend and my lover all in one. Every time I got in a relationship from that point on, it always went back to Tom; his face was always in my mind when I was with other boys. The summer going into grade 11 I got a phone call that basically changed everything. Tom called me out of no where to tell me he was moving home. When I got off the phone, it dropped to the floor and all I could say was, oh my gosh, I was actually speechless and that NEVER happens to me. We quickly caught up on each other’s life, and it felt like he never left and that scared me. Although Tom was everything I ever wanted, I noticed myself holding back, almost scared to open up to him. He left, and I went through so much to get over him... it kind of pissed me off to think that he thinks he can just come back and assume everything the same. I decided I had to tell him what I felt, and I told him that I was not the same girl I was in middle school, I changed and he needed to know that. The day he came home, was one of the most interesting days ive had in a while. My friend and me decided to go to a fortuneteller. The things she told me scared me so bad! She went on about this tall, dark haired boy that i cared for allot in my past, and told me he was coming back not only into my life, but also into my heart. She said that he worked high up in the sky, and thought about me all summer. Tom worked outwest all summer on roofs. I was officially convinced that I still had feelings for tom, and I always will wither he will or not. Tom called me when I got home from the fortuneteller, and he told me he was coming right over... without me even telling him where I lived, he remembered everything. I waited outside for him, cracking my knuckles and grinding my teeth...I waited for that moment for the longest time, and it was actually happening. And then I saw him, my heart completely dropped. There was the boy I fell the hardest for, standing on the end of my driveway, it felt too good to be true. I instantly went up to him without speaking and just hugged him, that hug made it real for me. We hung out for weeks, and it felt right to me, but I was still holding back, and he knew it. When school started, we stopped talking and I wasn’t exactly heartbroken but I was sad.I figured this was what was suppose to happen, everything happens for a reason? I knew he came back, so that I could finally get over him. For me to get completely over him a month after me avoiding him, I had to tell him exactly how I felt & I did ... big time haha. He was shocked and I honestly didn’t expect any response from him. Turned out he felt the same, and two months later, I'm pretty sure I’m basically in love with him. It’s the kind of love where he is my best friend, I learn something new about him everyday and that excites me! The way he looks at me scares the shit out of me, but it also makes me feel loved for once in my life. For once I know EXACTLY how I feel and I’m not gunna let anyone change that. Me and tom* may not be the most exciting couple, or even seem like a couple sometimes, but to me ive never felt more comfortable with someone in my whole life. Who knew the girl, who closed up her heart, would open it up and find something that completes it. love ya world- smugster

-after all I'm still a jerk playing with matches..

Ever since I looked at those old emails/pictures it made me start wondering what ever happen to my friendship with all those people. I have been missing those few people the last couple days and its weird for me to think that i haven't had a decent conversation with those few people that i grew up with.I miss them, i really do.. i miss their intelligent conversations about bands ive never even heard of and stupid little facts of life that at the time i didnt care about but looking back they were hilarious! I miss laughing with those people so much, its actually depressing me tonight. It made me wonder if when im done high school how many people i will actually still talk to.. and how many people will actually remember me, it makes me depressed to think that i could just be another face in the crowd. I had a dream last night that i went to my 10 year reunion and yeah my group of friends remembered me, but people i grew up with & hung out with in elementary school didn't. It made me extremely depressed that i am no longer considered a friend to them, that i am just another person they pass in the hallway. I want to change that, i want to look back on my high school life and know that i was friends with every possible person that i could be friends with. I want to actually live my life to it's full potential because ive seen too many people lose their lives too early. Thats my depressing entry , talk to you soon world - smuggy smug smug

it's all coming back to me now ..

Today was pretty bush, slept in(pro) then had my first exam(not so pro) haha. Then i kind of waited around school seeing if any cool people needed drives home. My besties asked me go out for a fat supper, so obviously i had to tag along.. haha. I also had to go to my brothers best friends wake, which was absolutely horrible. One of the hardest things in life, is seeing someone you love laying there and there is nothing anyone can do to prevent it. Horrible, horrible feeling. Then i went down to my friends house to study for tomorrows exam. eulk, actually pretty nervous about it, but oh well haha while we we suppose to be studying, we checked out old old old emails from forever ago, made me realize how frigging old i am. Makes me want to go back and live my middle school life to the fullest haha literally. Found some pretty epic old pics as well .. but nothing beats this email i found from this guy im dating now .. we also dated in middle school , and i found a email from grade 6 saying he is a bad boyfriend to me, so he broke up with me :( haha kind of funny how we are going back out now, like 5 years later. Its hard to believe that he was my first heartbreak and now im back taking chances on him again .. hah love it. I'm kind of depressed about how old i am, and thinking that next year ill be separating from all my besties. I'm with them almost every day, gunna be weird having to make new friends in uni. ugh university stresses me out , i have no idea where i wanna go, or what i wanna be. Courses have basically been chosen for me my whole life and now that the choice is in my hands , its so difficult!! ugh i want to be a nurse, but alot of blood kind of makes my stomach turn, i wanna be a lawyer but i dont believe im smart enough for it plus it takes too long, eulk eulk eulk . Good thing i have my friends to help me. haha my group of friends are pretty darn cool , not gunna lie. We always do cool things together, each one of them has cool things about them. I'm kind of sorta amazed on how we all came from different groups, and are our own group now. They accept me for who i am kind of thing, never felt more comfortable with my weird self. Im outta here to study . love ya world - smug master

School Sucks

Well this is my first blog , and i would tell you about my self but i'm not real sure how to even describe my 16 year old stubborn self. I'll start with my school, it's one big popularity contest. The right clothes,right hair,right friends, right everything. If your one bit different, you get looked down on. I think its a little rude to judge people on their appearance but i am guilty, just like everyone else. The way my personality has formed over the years is completely based on what others think. I live by the motto that i don't care what people think cause its my life, sadly i'm fooling myself. Growing up i was a very self aware person you could say, but as soon as appearance mattered, i changed. I get so intimated by just wondering what people think about me. I do things that i know are wrong, and i know i do it to get the "respect" of others but all im doing is hurting myself. I can honestly say i don't really know who i am anymore. I know who im trying to be, but i know it's not who i should be. I should be a young woman whose passionate about things and generous to people. I try so hard to be someone im not so i dont have to feel actual pain.To me, being someone else is like being numb, because its not the real me right? Should mean its not the real pain. I tell people what i think they want to hear, usually turns bad in the end. Speaking of school , i should go study for my exams. p.s they suck p.s.s im incapable of focusing for more then 40 mintues haha p.s.s.s watch out world, here comes smug lol . ew