just a small town girl, living in a lonely world she took the midnight train going anywhere

what has this fucking world come to ?! you can't have a drunk hookup anymore without drama going insane to the max.. probably one of the worst couple days of my life. Drunk hookup= loss in best friend, because of another person gossip problem. fuck i wish he would get over it , im not impressed at all right now.. im going to europe tomorrow and all i can think of is the fact that i lost a best friend and how awkward hanging out with the group is going to be

A singer in a smoky room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on
Strangers, waiting, up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people, living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night
Working hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Paying anything to roll the dice
Just one more time
Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

Don't stop believing
Hold on to that feeling

i decided we werent guna speak so , why we up 3am on the phone

ew i cant sleep haha :) .. today was a good day! came home from cape breton and hung out with my best friend <3 haha shes great, went out for ice cream with her and my other bestfriend! it was nice catching up even a lil .. MONTH AND A HALF TILL EUROPE BITCHES :) . omg im excited, i actually cant wait!!! so i got layed off at tan stand for lack of hours.. tim hortons here i come .. i desperately need two jobs! europes KILLING MEE .. ps , tomrow im gunna be committed to macbeth,or im going to let someone beat me with the book. im so behind its not even funny.. im going to fail so hard if i dont smarten up .

<3

"I used to miss you so much, but it never seemed like you missed me, I guess because of that I stopped missin' you.." -onetreehill♥

it feels so wrong not to be with you,its getting harder to stay away

today is a new day .. im looking at a alternate way to get over him, instead of fighting with him every night which is only hurting both of us more.. im going to hand write letters . chessy i know .. but almost nessecary ?. i feel as though a couple months without expressing my feelings to him may be good , but at the end of the couple months i can give him th letters , without the arguments .. he'll just know how i feels.. ill get over it much better . i wrote thefirst one . its great , i feel good.. i cant believe how much i love him,and how much he loves me .. were two completed different people, this wont work .. its so unlike me to be so serious about something . im surprised at myself more and more each day

ill be your princess and you'll be my toad, ill follow behind you on rainbow road :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsLqKAvKiQM&feature=featured .. lets start off with that link .. haha epic fail to turning a childrens book into a video, especially because its about poop.
haha so me and mandy are doing a song in the coffee house, hopefully she's as pumped as i am, even tho i carrry no previous musical talents with me, but i do pick up things easily, .. pray for me :D .. i actually dont feel like writing .. the end :) easters giving me pimples . - smug

[ I forgot to say outloud how beautiful you really are to me ]

I'm on my moms laptop, haha its pretty cool.. like i go on it all the time but i never wrote about my life on it .. haha typing on a laptop like this makes me feel all professional or something, like a business woman. I think its cause i have such an ambition to be a business woman, like when i go on trips with my luggage i like to wear like dressy clothes, haha i feel like all professional.. its so weird, but i love it!
haha anyway!! My parents went to cuba for a week, its kind of cool like with just me and my bro, like we have some responsibilties but its cool because we can kind of do our own thing. Like the other night i didnt get the car home until like 1215 . and like it wasnt even a big deal to my brother. But if that happen with my parents, being 15 mintues like would be "unnacceptable" and i would get grounded. haha i just love them not being home for a week.. but i do miss them,
So relationships are FUCKED .. friday night was actually the worst night ever, and saturday wasnt as bad but still pretty bad, we fought and fought. Its actually horrible. We decided we need some time apart, like no talking for a while.. and so far its kind of working out?. I went out last night, had a little bit of fun.. but at the end of the night he was still the one i wanted to talk to .. but i resisted my urge to talk to him, as i am doing right now .. its hard to go from talking to someone everyday,several times a day ..to just not talking at all . Im not real sure what i think about it . but i know its still bothers me, because he just signed on and my stomach turned..ahhhh he just messaged me ........

fml

the upside to having two jobs! money money money :) .. downside, working 8-2 at once location, and 4:30-9:30 at the other .. ugggh pooop tired !!

can't you see that you're smothering me holding too tightly afraid to lose control

People these days are pretty dramatic when it comes to shitty situations, like omg i hate my life, omg worst thing ever.. and im very guily of it.. but i can honestly say ive just had the worst night of my entire life. He came over to work things out, not only did we not work things out, i heard him bitch at me for 4 hours about everything. Maybe 20 mins of the 4 hours we hung out was there no bitching involved. I lost track of time, and finally my brother told me to drive him home, i was relieved. Except when we got to his house, the biggest argument ive ever been in with someone face to face arised. We screamed at each other, and for the first time i let down my guard in front of him. I cried a little, but not as worst as i did when i left. I had to pull over because i couldnt see from crying so hard. For the first time i was the hopeless friend that didnt know waht to do. I called the first person that came up in my head and went showed up at my best friends house. The support i got helped, but ive never been so lost in my entire life .. this boy has made me someone that i dont want to be .. i cant even write the rest of the story . -smug

if these walls could talk they'd probably cry out for mercy

highschool relationships are too complicated for my 16 year old brain to handle. It's like you fight and fight to keep the fire blazing, but its not like im going to marry this guy right?.. sometimes i dont see the point, but neither of us can let this go. Today he got extremely jealous,and got back at me by attempting to make me jealous .. but it just pissed me off, which resulted to me attemping to end it ( referring to kevins blog, Ew i hate my life i just want to end it, or somethign along those lines) haha but it didnt end, because we fought it out AGAIN. I told my good friend about this, and she is trying to set me up with this boy that likes me tommrow. but i cant do it, i really cant, i already made up a great excuse to not go. I'm hopeless in love teenanger
So speeches are fun, everyone hates them, but i dont find them so bad.. im writing my speech on celiac disease, the disease that i have. Im pretty much extremely embarassed to be reading it in front of my class, and my VERY judgemental teacher martin , but hopefulyl everything goes well. Its time that i've accepted it, and told my story. I'm kind of hoping i dont cry, cause its so weird, i cant mention my grandmothers name without crying anymore.. i miss her so much it hurts. She died of stomach cancer if you were wondering what im talking about, and celiac diesease can lead to stomach cancer... any of my blog readers will learn more about it considering all of you are in my class:) haha .. speaking of my english class, i sat at a table today with kevin,mandy and allison. I didnt forget how cool they were, i just missed it terribly. Allison and me were tighter then spandex when we were little and i miss it:( .. me and mandy had a cool friendship in middle school, and unfortunatly things happen at some dance, over a boy i hardly knew, and i was a little intoxicated, and i miss her very much too .. cause friends shouldnt stop talking just cause of a boy:( especially a boy i never knew.. at all . haha and me and kevin, i dont miss him, cause he's always in my hair, and im always in his BFF .. haha :) .. just wanted to shout out to you guys, and how cool you are, and i hope we'll be good friends are a while, cause it was a fun, non productive period haha . ew its 2am , and im not tired.. yet i laid in bed and forced myself outta bed because i remember kevin commented on a blog that he told me about at school, wasnt that excited, still love yah .. anyway BED TIME FINALLY . :) - smug!

but my broken hearts been shattered one too many times

i dont want to see you anymore, im just not that strong
I love it when you here but im better when your gone ,
im certain that ive given and oh how you can take ,
theres no use in looking theres nothing left for you to break
baby please release me let my heart rest in pieces ..
please leave me, we both know you dont need me

but theres a voice inside my head saying you'll never reach it ;

There were sounds in my head, little voices whispering..
that I should go and this should end
then I found myself listening,
I dont know who i am without you, all I know is that I should,
i dont know if I could stand another hand apon you ♫

I've never been so lost in my life, this evening i found myself walking around my town for hours, with no destination, desperately listening to my i pod hoping to find answers in the songs that didn't help my mood. I feel like i know who i am, but i don't know who i am without him, which actually doesn't make sense. I don't understand how two people can be together, but be so distant. I actually felt sick to my stomach walking around, not even knowing who i am. He doubts us, and i doubt him. Yet we can't break this up.. neither of us will end it. I'm not myself, and he hasnt been himself, i know he cares but he acts like he has nothing to lose. Is my heart nothing to him, because he is very close to losing me for good. I gave him a second chance because i believe this is meant to work, but the promises i made him make to me were REAL and hes not taking them serious and thats breaking my heart more than anything. I'm a human being with a vunderable heart, does he not see that hes breaking it. Three weeks ago i was breaking his without even knowing, and i was the bigger person and forgave him, yet im sitting here getting mine broken by him and he knows it , and feels the need to not take action. How did i turn into this, how did the girl who didnt let anyone push her down basically volenteer herself to get hurt by the boy she loves. Life makes just about as much sense as love does. None - smug

<3 ?

hee'ssss baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk.... aahh

insert handicapped card here

so dont expect any long blogs anytime soon .. im down to one hand to type with haha so yesterday i decide im gunna take a hit dumb and break my elbow .. some bitccch was coming hcore fast towards me and for some very odd reason put my hand out to push her away, and my arm got launched back breaking my elbow AWESOME ,loove it .. actually it sucks haha and im getting all these right handed and just general arm jokes on me .. for instance someone goes to shake my right hand and i have to use my left and it juuust doesnt work haha or someone was like HEY catch and im holding something in my left hand haha and i twitch .. love my friends haha this hurts too much to type these few worrrdsssss .. faaaaaaaatttt .. but told mandy and allison a lil bout my injury :) hahah peeeaaace OUT * -SMUG

slacckkkerrr

so i've been told my ranting blogs are missed. maybe i should write one once a month or something, pft im slacking geeze.
anyway , the last month has been crazy busy and crazy emotional for me. I play hockey everything flipping day of my life and i LOVE it , me and my ex lover broke it off and still fight every single day, my best friends mom died & that broke my heart even more, its just been reaaaallly crazy.
Hockey is amazing, haha honestly if i didn't have hockey I'd probably go crazy.. its takes my mind off everything and my minds been cluttered full this month.
Me and my ex lover continue to fight every single day, even though we ended our relationship 3 weeks ago. We show more emotions now towards each other then we ever did, its pretty crazy. I'm getting really sick of it tho to be honest...
My best friend mom died almost two weeks ago .. and its been a really hard time. Not only is my best friend only 14, she was also crazy tight with her mom. Her moms death was out of no where and no one got a chance to say goodbye. Really makes your appreciate what you have in life.. the wake and the funeral were one of the hardest things ive personally ever been through and she wasn't my mom so i cant even imagine the pain my best friends feeling right now . We're all here for her, but sometimes you just need your mom .
I NEED A NEW JOB. GAWD i hate the TAN STAND MORE THEN ANYTHING .. and i don't use the word hate very often .. im thinking of applying at tim hortons but im scared of getting rejected hahah .. i just need money soon, and the tan stand money isnt enough .
This blog sucks .. hopefully i'll get back into my blogging ways and have more exciting things to talk about . peace out - smug

tough love

I'm wondering if this disgusting pit in my stomach is normal .. if this emptiness that ive been feeling is suppose to be there .. i wonder if im actually suffering from a heartache ....

no biggie .... right?

Soo it ended .. guess i cant say i didn't see it coming. But it still kind of sucks, right now i feel like i should be crying, but im just kind of over it.. im more pissed off then anything really. I'm not officially single , i guess right now its just a break .. but sunday will make it or break it .. and im thinking its gunna be broken. What can yea do , its natural to get your heart broken right? I was prepared for it..
So i dragged myself to school .. kind of glad i did because i would of just drowned myself in self pity at home.English class was a ball today , we did haiku's and it was hilarious. Allison yours were hilarious, kind of loved it hahaha made my day a little. Just made up stupid little ones about my friends, but it made me in a better mood. Then my mood was crushed when i found out i actually failed my math exam HARD and i failed the course all together, but my math teacher boosted my mark to a 60 , cant complain. Then i went to my favorite teachers classsss <3 he is inncredably gorg and i find it hard to concentrate in his class hahah but i love him , so it evens out.
im talking to this really sweet boy, is it normal that i love it.. whatevvaa :/ gunna take time i guess huh .. but i should go do some homework , and hide from my feelings some more... ps i recommend listening to sugarlumps by flight of the conchords , sooo great!! hahah - smug

forgot about this point .

oh and im just gunna point out .. that i want a vampire boyfriend, reaaal bad .. ps i love twilight

i touched you, i was burned

i suppose its time for a blog post, but ive been so sick and depressed lately i cant seem to find anything to blog about. I don't think im so cut out for this relationship thing, i think sometimes i care more then i should, and thats what hurts me. Or maybe its just the boy im in the relationship with, who knows. All i know is , im not very good at it. I went to his house yesterday and we just laid in bed, and ended up falling asleep with each other, it was such a comforting feeling when i woke up, being wrapped around the arms of a boy i love very dearly. but we both knew we werent sleeping the whole time, but i felt better just laying there in his arms, as he gently kissed my forehead 3 or 4 times. It was nice, and it felt surreal.
but today just sucked, i woke up and realized i have the flu, and an awful cough. I hate when you cough so much your chest hurts, eulk being sick sucks. And tomorrow is the first day of second semester, i kind of wish i wasnt sick for it, im anxious to start my new classes.
I also have another problem to write about, and drown in my self pity. A boy i once cared about, has come back. And he knows i love my boyfriend, yet he thinks i will just go back to him. Kind of makes me mad to think he can just waltz in and think hes gunna get me back. nope aint gunna happen.... the reason i left that boy was because of my current boyfriend, and theres no way im turning around now. Ive been through too much to just let it all go and if he thinks other wise, hes got something else coming. but im find myself overly obsessed with the song thinking of you .. which is about being with someone, but thinking of your old lover.. "when im with him i am thinking, he kissed my lips i taste your mouth, he pulled me in i was disgusted with myself" eulk , makes me wonder why im so obsessed with the song . :|
Im too sick to write about my life any longer.. off to bed i go . love ya world - smug

hi my names disappointment

ew i blew it .. worst game ive ever played. If i would have gotten the god damn goal that i had the chance to get, we would have won. BLEW it . ps - my diamond ring my lover got me came in today .. peerrf timing 8-)

the big game

In approx. 1 hour, i will be playing the biggest game in my hockey career(pft) haha. My coach pulled me aside at practice the other day and asked me if i was alright, i replied with a common answer " yeah coach im fine?" and then he went on about disappointed he is in me. He said " Heather two games ago you were my best forward, now i don't know what has come over you.. but you need to pick up your socks, im really disappointed in you" or something along that lines. That hurt a little, cause i realized i let my personal life get all wrapped up in hockey .. when hockey should just be about hockey. Tonights game i will be ready, without anything in my mind except HOCKEY. I love it ,and i cant let that get away from me!! Wish me luck , i may need it tonight .

new look

this is about how creative this blogs gunna get .. haha what cha think?

surprised taylor swift addict

I find myself incrediably obsessed with this taylor swift song that use to bug the shit outta me, its not even the all the lyrics relate to my life ... just the chorus. Its amazing now that i dont know what to about my relationship, and i miss how it use to be so bad.

"but i miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
and it's 2am and i'm cursing your name
you're so in love that you act insane
and that's the way I loved you
breakin' down and coming undone
it's a roller coaster kinda rush
and I never knew I could feel that much
and that's the way I loved you"

I miss him fighting for me, and for him to tell me that i was all he needed. i miss him telling me that he loves me so much and that i was all he wanted. I know thats dramatic but its so true. I'm so in love with the boy that he makes me act CRAZY. It's a different feeling everyday, and i just dont even know what to do. Im in love with this song as well . -Smuggyy

your not the person that you use to be..

"If we leave tonight and drive fast enough

All of our troubles will be just like us

Long gone, baby" -Carrie Underwood

Wouldn't it be nice if life was that easy? just being able to leave your problems behind and get away.I'd be the first one to get in my little blue corolla and drive 120 down a dirt road and just run away from my problems, if they stay away for good.
So the math exam was worst then i thought it would be, so hard. I actually broke down half way through and shed a couple tears.But that is so over with, and i never want to see that teacher again ,eulk
I am officially done caring about relationships, if i wasn't in love with this boy it would been so done. It would be more then done, this relationship would be DESTROYED. Stupid love .. what am i even doing .. i don't know how to love someone, i don't even know how to love myself ! He treats me like shit sometimes and im in love with him , whats up with that.I feel like im more of a hassle to him ,then a girlfriend. As much as it would hurt me for him to end things, it would be for the better. I don't really consider him a boyfriend right now, not after how big of an idiot he is to me.He ruint my day , and my night. and thats not fair to me..
Made me realize how much my friends help, without even noticing.I was sitting home tonight being depressed and craving gatorrade and i asked my friend to come get me haha.. so off to the irving i went with a van load of my friends and although the night was almost over, they made me laugh and right about now, i needed it. Love you guys hahah -smug

my worst fear .

i ate the eggs,downed the glasses of milk, bit into the apple, and devoured the strawberries. This will def help me on my exam right? Pray to god this keeps me awake. haha Wish me luck ugh

we live, we die, and the wheels on the bus go round and round.

This is going to be such a random post..
Control. It's a dirty dirty word, today i realized my boyfriend controls all of my moves, without even trying. Before i make plans with people, i make sure he has something to do that night , just in case he would wanna hang out. Doesn't make sense to me .. i was such an independent person , and bam im "controlled". and today we had an argument about how i don't know anything about cars, and i ended up saying sorry for it!? does he really expect a girl like me to know anything about cars, ugh ... sometimes i don't even know what i see in the boy , i love him allot.. but he just doesn't consider my feelings sometimes.
Math. Is also a very very very dirty dirty dirty word. I HATE MATH... guns don't kill people, grade 11 math does. My math teacher is an actual idiot, and hardly taught my class anything this year, and now its hurting us. The week that we were suppose to review, he decided to lock himself in the room across the hall and tell us to have fun? like thats SO nice of him. Everyones telling me that im gunna do fine, but ive accepted that i might actually have to go to summer school. Me=loser
Post secret=greeat waste of time.. post secret sometimes takes over an hour of my life each day .. when im done looking at the weekly updated site , i go on youtube and look at some. Reading other peoples disgusting,emotional,happy and sad secrets makes me feel better about my life. I actually sent in a secret one time , and i found it on youtube months later.. it was a great feeling, you know that my sucky situation about heart break, would make someone else feel better about their life.And sending that postcard, with one of my secrets on it was a closing to the situation, and feeling of relief, that by sending this away, i was completely over what happen. Sounds kind of weird, but it was an awesome thing at the time haha.There was one post secret i found this week, and it said "i still cant grasp the concept that i wont live forever." That one made me think .. ive never actually thought that i would die, but of course i know i am because everyone has to. But i never really thought i would, because right now im not ready to leave. Theres so much i want to do, maybe ill write down my list right now haha .. its a pretty epic list actually , reminds me of jamie off of a walk to remember with her list of things to do before she dies.I'll just give you 20 of them . I think it'd be cool to have this list, and when i die for someone to read it and know that i accomplished every one of them that i could & know i made something of myself.So this is my list .. "these are all the things i wanna do before i kick the bucket"-bucket list<3>
20.Have mind blowing sex.. sober hahah(great way to start)
19. Sing a song i love in front of a crowd, and not be embarrassed.
18. Write a personalized letter to every person i ever loved, explaining how much they meant to me.
17. Find my soul mate & live up every moment with them
16. Sky Dive
15.Ride a mechanical bull .. drunk haha
14. Learn how to play guitar.
13. Live in Europe and learn about the culture,art & history.
12. See the northern lights and dance under the sky and forget about the world for just a few moments.
11. Write a book worth reading.
10. Get married, have children and NEVER let them feel unloved.
9. Get a tattoo that means something.
8.Watch a sunset with someone I love
7. Kiss a famous person.
6. Visit Africa and make a difference in one child's life
5. Experience God fully, like my priest talks about in mass, feel that he is in my presence
4. Become someone important.
3. Make a wish at the top of the Effiel Tower at 11:11
2. Make change happen, peace will happen!
1. Be loved and love in return!

There ya go .. and thats only 20 , i have much more :) haha maybe one day i'll die and people will be like oh i remember reading her blog 40 years ago, find this and check off everything i did! haha wouldnt that be awesome. It's doubtful , but you never know:) My beds calling my name - your smuggy friend:) xox

yep, im just another addict

Here i am at work, bored out of my mind haha and i am writing another blog, like two hours after the one i already wrote today. Since i talked about my love in my last blog, guess ill let you know about the second love of my life.Johnny Allen Hendrix aka Jimi Hendrix, im actually in love with the guy.People probably doubt that my obsession with him is real, but it is.Every one of his songs is amazing to me, not only are the lyrics captivating the music is full of emotion, its "soulful" Although i have no music abilities, he inspires me to want to learn how to play the guitar, which im failing horribly at by the way... considering i have no teacher and youtube is difficult when you are a complete noob like myself.The only thing that i dont love about Hendrix is that he supposdely died of a drug overdose, just like every other famous musicans. He could have made more of impact on the world, but instead he chose to pop some pills. I couldnt even imagine what he would be like in concert,and if he only lived until now, i could actually live one of my dreams. He would be 67 if he lived until today, and i bet any amount of money he'd still be rocking the right handed guitar with his left hand ahah
He was such a cool human being, his fashion is probably what i love the most about him.His style was full of scarfs, which i have a love for also, so that makes him even more cool. haha and he would just completely rock out bright jackets and tight leather pants. Haha he was just amazing! and his hair was incredible.. hahah words cant describe how many times i wished my hair was like that when i was like five.haha yes i use to rock out to hendrix as a child and yes i was jealous of his insanely buck wild afro. haha god i love him. but the tanning world is calling my name(work place) scuse me while I kiss the sky;) -smug
ps look at me having three followers , who am i? haha love it

Addicted already?

So I found myself waking up today asking myself what I would blog about, interesting huh? haha who knew expressing your life stories to all of my one followers would excite my life a little.But it's a nice feeling to me, haha writing down my life stories, without feeling the pressure to fit in...On here i can be myself, but no one really actually knows who i am. haha love it. Im at work as we speak right now, I probably have one of the easiest jobs ever invented; yet I hate it more and more each day. My boss is an actual bitch, and treats every employee like complete trash; she makes me feel like I’m incapable of anything. They randomly decided to screw me over last week by taking all of my shifts away, now I work one lonely shift a week. Little do they know I love revenge.. as does the rest of the girls that lost shifts. We have an evil plan to completely screw her over and quit on the same day! Karma’s a bitch!
Any of my friends that know me know that I am not the kind of girl to fall for anyone,i close my heart to anyone,im independent and i was planning on keeping it that way for the rest of my highschool life, but along came Tom*. Tom is amazing; everything about him excites me, and scares me all at the same time. It's sadly always been him, every since grade 6 I believe when we had a small fling I have had a strong feeling towards him. He moved in grade 8 and I was completely heartbroken, words can’t even describe how incredibly depressed I actually was. We lost touch, and I felt like I lost my best friend and my lover all in one. Every time I got in a relationship from that point on, it always went back to Tom; his face was always in my mind when I was with other boys. The summer going into grade 11 I got a phone call that basically changed everything. Tom called me out of no where to tell me he was moving home. When I got off the phone, it dropped to the floor and all I could say was, oh my gosh, I was actually speechless and that NEVER happens to me. We quickly caught up on each other’s life, and it felt like he never left and that scared me. Although Tom was everything I ever wanted, I noticed myself holding back, almost scared to open up to him. He left, and I went through so much to get over him... it kind of pissed me off to think that he thinks he can just come back and assume everything the same. I decided I had to tell him what I felt, and I told him that I was not the same girl I was in middle school, I changed and he needed to know that. The day he came home, was one of the most interesting days ive had in a while. My friend and me decided to go to a fortuneteller. The things she told me scared me so bad! She went on about this tall, dark haired boy that i cared for allot in my past, and told me he was coming back not only into my life, but also into my heart. She said that he worked high up in the sky, and thought about me all summer. Tom worked outwest all summer on roofs. I was officially convinced that I still had feelings for tom, and I always will wither he will or not. Tom called me when I got home from the fortuneteller, and he told me he was coming right over... without me even telling him where I lived, he remembered everything. I waited outside for him, cracking my knuckles and grinding my teeth...I waited for that moment for the longest time, and it was actually happening. And then I saw him, my heart completely dropped. There was the boy I fell the hardest for, standing on the end of my driveway, it felt too good to be true. I instantly went up to him without speaking and just hugged him, that hug made it real for me. We hung out for weeks, and it felt right to me, but I was still holding back, and he knew it. When school started, we stopped talking and I wasn’t exactly heartbroken but I was sad.I figured this was what was suppose to happen, everything happens for a reason? I knew he came back, so that I could finally get over him. For me to get completely over him a month after me avoiding him, I had to tell him exactly how I felt & I did ... big time haha. He was shocked and I honestly didn’t expect any response from him. Turned out he felt the same, and two months later, I'm pretty sure I’m basically in love with him. It’s the kind of love where he is my best friend, I learn something new about him everyday and that excites me! The way he looks at me scares the shit out of me, but it also makes me feel loved for once in my life. For once I know EXACTLY how I feel and I’m not gunna let anyone change that. Me and tom* may not be the most exciting couple, or even seem like a couple sometimes, but to me ive never felt more comfortable with someone in my whole life. Who knew the girl, who closed up her heart, would open it up and find something that completes it. love ya world- smugster

-after all I'm still a jerk playing with matches..

Ever since I looked at those old emails/pictures it made me start wondering what ever happen to my friendship with all those people. I have been missing those few people the last couple days and its weird for me to think that i haven't had a decent conversation with those few people that i grew up with.I miss them, i really do.. i miss their intelligent conversations about bands ive never even heard of and stupid little facts of life that at the time i didnt care about but looking back they were hilarious! I miss laughing with those people so much, its actually depressing me tonight. It made me wonder if when im done high school how many people i will actually still talk to.. and how many people will actually remember me, it makes me depressed to think that i could just be another face in the crowd. I had a dream last night that i went to my 10 year reunion and yeah my group of friends remembered me, but people i grew up with & hung out with in elementary school didn't. It made me extremely depressed that i am no longer considered a friend to them, that i am just another person they pass in the hallway. I want to change that, i want to look back on my high school life and know that i was friends with every possible person that i could be friends with. I want to actually live my life to it's full potential because ive seen too many people lose their lives too early. Thats my depressing entry , talk to you soon world - smuggy smug smug

it's all coming back to me now ..

Today was pretty bush, slept in(pro) then had my first exam(not so pro) haha. Then i kind of waited around school seeing if any cool people needed drives home. My besties asked me go out for a fat supper, so obviously i had to tag along.. haha. I also had to go to my brothers best friends wake, which was absolutely horrible. One of the hardest things in life, is seeing someone you love laying there and there is nothing anyone can do to prevent it. Horrible, horrible feeling. Then i went down to my friends house to study for tomorrows exam. eulk, actually pretty nervous about it, but oh well haha while we we suppose to be studying, we checked out old old old emails from forever ago, made me realize how frigging old i am. Makes me want to go back and live my middle school life to the fullest haha literally. Found some pretty epic old pics as well .. but nothing beats this email i found from this guy im dating now .. we also dated in middle school , and i found a email from grade 6 saying he is a bad boyfriend to me, so he broke up with me :( haha kind of funny how we are going back out now, like 5 years later. Its hard to believe that he was my first heartbreak and now im back taking chances on him again .. hah love it. I'm kind of depressed about how old i am, and thinking that next year ill be separating from all my besties. I'm with them almost every day, gunna be weird having to make new friends in uni. ugh university stresses me out , i have no idea where i wanna go, or what i wanna be. Courses have basically been chosen for me my whole life and now that the choice is in my hands , its so difficult!! ugh i want to be a nurse, but alot of blood kind of makes my stomach turn, i wanna be a lawyer but i dont believe im smart enough for it plus it takes too long, eulk eulk eulk . Good thing i have my friends to help me. haha my group of friends are pretty darn cool , not gunna lie. We always do cool things together, each one of them has cool things about them. I'm kind of sorta amazed on how we all came from different groups, and are our own group now. They accept me for who i am kind of thing, never felt more comfortable with my weird self. Im outta here to study . love ya world - smug master

School Sucks

Well this is my first blog , and i would tell you about my self but i'm not real sure how to even describe my 16 year old stubborn self. I'll start with my school, it's one big popularity contest. The right clothes,right hair,right friends, right everything. If your one bit different, you get looked down on. I think its a little rude to judge people on their appearance but i am guilty, just like everyone else. The way my personality has formed over the years is completely based on what others think. I live by the motto that i don't care what people think cause its my life, sadly i'm fooling myself. Growing up i was a very self aware person you could say, but as soon as appearance mattered, i changed. I get so intimated by just wondering what people think about me. I do things that i know are wrong, and i know i do it to get the "respect" of others but all im doing is hurting myself. I can honestly say i don't really know who i am anymore. I know who im trying to be, but i know it's not who i should be. I should be a young woman whose passionate about things and generous to people. I try so hard to be someone im not so i dont have to feel actual pain.To me, being someone else is like being numb, because its not the real me right? Should mean its not the real pain. I tell people what i think they want to hear, usually turns bad in the end. Speaking of school , i should go study for my exams. p.s they suck p.s.s im incapable of focusing for more then 40 mintues haha p.s.s.s watch out world, here comes smug lol . ew